Friday, October 22, 2010

If my previous blog did not motivate you to take better control of your income streams -- hopefully this will.

Unless you like being a slobbering alcoholic.

Chart courtesy of a great post at PICCHORE

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Rise up people.

Don't be afraid to make your dreams come true.

Here's a great slideshow for inspiration:
Now get out there and DO SOMETHING to get you closer to your dreams NOW!

Mental Floss blog - Ouija Board

I just noticed my blogs so far have ghostly undertones.
That's not intentional -- I guess I'm already in that Oct 31 frame of mind because here's another:

As a child my siblings and I spent a lot of time gathered around a Ouija Board.
My best memory regarding the Ouija was actually from a session I was not a part of and one that occurred well after my siblings and I became adults.

My sister took her daughter to a sleep-over a few years ago.
The hostess was not a close friend to my sister.
But my niece and the hostess' daughter were school chums.
My sister decided to hang out for a while to let the girls settle in.

The hostess asks my sister if a Ouija Board session would be OK.
Remembering our family sessions fondly, my sister accepts.
To ease the girls into the Ouija experience, my sister and the hostess offer to go first.

The hostess handles the primary duties and seems to get some activity out of it.
She then asks my sister to ask a question -- a question "I could not know the answer to".
My sister thinks a moment then asks the "spirit" to spell the name of one of our relatives. She doesn't give the name - just his relationship to us.
Keep in mind that the hostess hardly knows my sister - much less my family - and this relative my sister asked about has a most unusual name (I only know of one other person outside my family with this name).
Well -- my sister looks on in astonished silence as our relative's name is spelled letter by letter.

I don't believe in ghosts...but I believe in my sister.
She's the most honest person I know.
So the whole situation is a bit of a mystery to me.
She told me this story one day and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

On that note:
The great blog Mental Floss has a great blog regarding the Ouija Board.
Check it out by clicking the Mental Floss link HERE


Nosferatu - More than just a cameo on Spongebob

For those who have never had an opportunity -- Here it is!

Watch the classic silent movie Nosferatu!

The dialogue slides may not be original and the music score is not as good as in the German version of this movie.
Still, this is a wonderful video and a great movie.
And it does a fine job of sticking closely to Stoker's Dracula....even if the studio didn't have permission from Stoker's estate to film this adaptation. Here

If nothing else, it's worth watching just so that you are not one of the many people walking around thinking Nosferatu was only some walk-on role player on a Spongebob episode.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

And the Biggest Reason I don’t like the iPad

Reason #1 - I don’t own one!!!

By far, the biggest reason I do not like the iPad is that I don’t own one.

“I don’t own it, therefore I hate it”
Didn’t a great philosopher once write that?
If not, he should have.

If you own an iPad and have any self-respect, reasons #4-through-#2 given on my previous blogs should have already given you enough cause to rid yourself of your iPad.

I understand this.
I expected this.
And, I’m here for you.
Send me an email.
I will tell you where to ship your iPad so that I may relieve you of that foul thing.
I will not even charge you a disposal fee.
No need to thank me for this service – But, if your conscience insists, you can send me a check with your iPad…blank, of course.

iPad List - Reason #2

Why I do not like the iPad - Reason #2

I can’t fold an iPad like I do my magazines.
If I can’t fold it – How am I supposed to put it in my back pocket?

And, maybe there are some cool magazines accessible through an iPad for free – but if a subscription card doesn’t spill onto the floor every time I turn a page, I feel I’ve been cheated out of my magazine reading experience.

Speaking of being cheated, there is no 3-page centerfold option on the iPad.
Plenty of respectable magazines include a 3-page centerfold spread.
Real magazines give 3-page fold-out photos of guns, boats, cars, and motorcycles.
Friends tell me, some magazines even put photos of women on those fold-outs.
I have never seen one, but I believe them.

A three-page work of art limited to the iPad’s 9.7-inch LED-backlit glossy Multi-Touch widescreen?
My goodness! Just typing that seems so cold, my nipples got hard.
No. Those photos are meant (and deserve) to be seen in all of their three-page glory.

Moreover, the iPad fails to give me the greatest benefit of all truly great magazines – perfume and cologne sample cards.
Thanks to real magazines, I have not needed to purchase cologne in years.

No thanks Apple. I’ll stick to buying my Mad Magazine the old skool way.

iPad List - Reason #3

Why I do not like the iPad - Reason #3

The iPad is not a book

What sense of accomplishment do I get from an iPad if both James and the Giant Peach and Anna Karenina are a half inch thick and weigh 1.5 pounds (13.4mm thick and 0.68kg for my friends outside of the U.S.)?

I need the mass of a book like Tolstoy’s War and Peace or Victor Hugo's Les Miserables.
I get a great sense of satisfaction in having read these classics in book-form because I know I overcame the stomach-churning jolt I felt when I first saw four-inches of acid-free paper bound between two covers weighing in at 10 lbs and thought, “I’m going to try reading that!?!”

And because I know I overcame that initial jolt, I can brag about my reading conquests to all of my acquaintances.
“I know therefore I brag.”
Didn’t some great philosopher write that?
If not, he should have.

Without that satisfaction of having read those classics in book-form, I fear I would never feel comfortable acting snobby around those who have not.
I would almost feel like a fraud…like maybe I am not better than those people. (Gasp!)
If I do not get the pleasure of talking down to others, then why would I read such a wordy story?

I read “War and Peace” in book-form and now use the book as a TV stand.
That rubs my superiority in the face of every person I invite into my home.
I also never feel guilty about spending hour upon hour in front of my television.
On those rare occasions I start to feel like maybe I should turn the TV off and exercise, I look at the book holding up the TV and immediately regain my satisfaction in knowing I earned the right to be a couch potato.
I read Tolstoy…I paid my dues.

Speaking of inviting people into your home, an iPad does nothing to impress your guests.
I put 10 books on a shelf in my living room and people think I must be pretty smart (at least until they get to know me better).
If I put 10 iPads on a shelf in my living room people will only think I deal in stolen property.
In which case they may still think I’m pretty smart – but, they will never trust me enough to loan me gas money.

Thanks Apple…what’s the point of having friends if there is no chance of getting money for gas?

Top 4 Reason I do NOT like the iPad

Reason #4

The iPad holds too many pictures

Before the iPad, proud parents (show-offs) carried only three pictures of their kids in their wallets.
You sat and smiled while you looked at the pictures.
Afterward, you lied by telling the proud parent (show-off), “Your kids are so cute”.
And you were done.
The whole ordeal took maybe 5 minutes.

Now, these proud parents (show-offs) own iPads.
And those 5 minute sessions are a thing of the past….just like Amazon’s Kindle.
These proud parents (show-offs) now can shove an iPad in your face with 100 pictures of EACH kid.
And each picture comes with an oral caption from mom.

Never mind that you see no difference between pictures #1, #7, #19, #21, #34, #44, #56, and #78-#90.
In each photo, the kid is wearing the same clothes, is in the same backyard, and hasn’t wiped his nose through any of the pictures.
Yet, the proud parent (show-off) has a different story to give you for each photo.
And you are forced to sit through it.

Thanks Apple.

Also, before the iPad, your traveling co-worker – you know that person in your office that always vacations in vulgar places that a respectable person would avoid at all cost – came back from vacation with about 24 vacation photos.
You sat and listened to them drone about their trip while you halfheartedly looked at the pictures.
Then you’d lie by saying, “Boy, I would love to go there some day” and all would be done.

Now, these travelers own iPads.
They return from vacation with 200 photos from their trip to Vulgaria.
(Yes that’s a real country…it’s in my imagination so you will have to trust me)

And, with the iPad, those pictures just got bigger.
Now, bigger pictures would be cool if they were of the Great Wall of China or Eiffel Tower…But, they never are.
These pictures always show the co-worker on some beach or by a pool with a fruity alcoholic drink in hand.

Now let’s be honest…There are 2 or 3 people at your office that you would PAY for a chance to see pictures showing them wearing only a bikini…bikini optional.
But, those beautiful people are never the ones passing around the iPad.
Instead, the iPad usually belongs to that 45 year old overweight rocker-lady that can’t get passed her skimpy swimsuit phase…and takes no shame in it.
So after every vacation, the former Motley Crue groupie shoves her iPad in your face while it flashes her vacation slide-show.
Rather, it’s more of a “side-show” than a “slide-show”.
All 200 god awful pictures show her beer-belly sticking out from between two pieces of spandex.
And quickly, we learn that it’s hard to smile AND keep your lunch down at the same time.

Thank you very much Apple.

Stay tuned.....I'm too disgusted to continue right now....

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Re: Paranormal State of Confusion

Here's an artist's* rendering of how the Beetlejuice scene would look if A&E took my scene-suggestion for Paranormal State (posted on today's earlier blog below)

Now even imagination-challenged readers can get excited!

*The term "artist" in the above blog is used very liberally and should not be taken as an insult to real artists alive or dead. But, especially the dead ones (I don't need any artsy zombies coming after me).

Paranormal State of Confusion

Sunday evenings on A&E - Paranormal State

Do you believe?

I’m not referring to the paranormal.
I don’t care whether you believe in that or not.
I’m referring to the show still being on the air.
Can you believe it’s still on?
New episodes showing the Paranormal Research Society (PRS) doing what they do began Oct. 17.
It’s their fifth season.
Yes. Their FIFTH season…really!

Remember the original intro in those early episodes?
It read:
Each year, PRS receives hundreds of reports of paranormal activity…only responding to the most severe.
This is one of those cases.

If the show airs only the “most severe” cases out of hundreds they receive…why are there so many crappy episodes?

I understand the PRS wants to help people as goal #1…and maybe they do that.
However, A&E isn’t about helping people – it’s about ratings.
They would love nothing more than to see the Paranormal State episode where Beetlejuice bursts out of a closet and jumps onto Ryan Buell’s back. Then as the two wrestle around the room breaking furniture, that tiny lady from Poltergeist comes flying through a window and expels the demon off Ryan’s back amidst flying glass and Ryan’s screams.

Hell yeah!
You’d watch that episode!
I’d watch that episode!
Everyone would watch that episode!
And A&E would love us for it.

But, back to the topic, the PRS has researched the most severe cases out of thousands received through four complete seasons of Paranormal State.
Yet, we still have no proof of the paranormal. 

Maybe it’s time the PRS get into another line of work.
Maybe the PRS gang could become meteorologists.
On second thought, an accurate weather forecast is more elusive than a ghost.
I really believe I’ll see a ghost before I see an accurate 5-day weather forecast.
Better stick to ghosts PRS.